Link Discovered Between George W. Bush and Killer of Jesus
Researchers at the Institute of Ancient Genealogical Studies yesterday released the results of a months long study which they claim offers incontrovertible proof of a direct link between George W. Bush and Pontius Pilate, the ancient Prefect of Judaea responsible for sentencing Jesus Christ to death.
“What this means, in effect, is that George Bush’s ancestors are responsible for the crucifixion of Christ.”
Dr. Johnathon Lawson, professor emeritus at the Institute, and Dr. Eliot Reese, lead researcher on the project, each expressed delight at the discovery.
“This is the big one!” proclaimed Reese. “Perhaps the only thing bigger would be if we had traced, say, President Obama to Jesus Himself.”
But, tracing the family tree of George W. Bush backward through the last two millennia was no easy task. After months of diligent study of census results, legal records such as wills and deeds, and more mundane documents such as letters between family members, the connection was at last made.
The project, conducted by the Institute under funding from federal grants and generous donations from the Apollo Alliance and the Soros Foundation, took 18 months and over $14 million to complete, but Lawson and Reese both believe the investment to be sound.
“Our research conclusively proves, generation by generation, that there is a direct link between Pontius Pilate and George W. Bush,” Lawson explained. “What this means, in effect, is that George Bush’s ancestors are responsible for the crucifixion of Christ.”
After the announcement, the revelation spread quickly through the blogosphere. Left wing political sites exploded with comments from subscribers believing this newly-discovered link to be the smoking gun proving once and for all that Bush is the devil–or, at the very least, the Antichrist.
Conservative sites likewise saw their own spikes in traffic, with one commenter in particular decrying the alleged link as “nothing more than the next logical step in the ongoing liberal smear campaign to vilify and demonize George W. Bush as a smokescreen to cover the failures of their own supposed Messiah.”
“Only an evil, soulless, heartless person could have committed the the things—the crimes—that that man committed while in office”
As expected, news organizations and capitol hill split along similar lines.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid expressed exuberance while speaking to CNN.
“It is the height of irony that the man who once claimed that God told him to invade Iraq has now been proven to be related to the very individual responsible for the death of God’s own son,” he gloated.
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was visibly overjoyed during her interviews MSNBC.
“I am thrilled by this new research, but not in the least surprised. Only an evil, soulless, heartless person could have committed the things—the crimes—that that man committed while in office.”
Republicans quickly appeared on Fox News to denounce the research and condemn Senator Reid and Speaker Pelosi for their toxic and hate-riddled comments toward the former president.
In his interview with the network, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell declared,
“This research amounts to nothing more than pure bunk. I find it more than a little suspicious that a supposed research project funded by Soros, Apollo, and grants from this administration came to this conclusion. This is nothing more than yet another shameful, hyper-partisan attack, and an attempt to blame all of the current administration’s shortcomings on its predecessor. In fact, the shortcomings of the entire human race.”
When confronted with Senator McConnell’s charge against their research, Lawson and Reese replied simply, “Well, it could have been worse. We could have linked Bush to Judas Iscariot.”